Are you a parent? Do you  have a child who pretty regularly takes behavior to the extreme? (Hi, it’s me!) Without revealing too much about our specific situation, we have a child that has been diagnosed as neurodiverse. What this means is that many common activities require extra planning, preparation, and patience on everyone’s part. 

I’ve long since given up the idea of lazy days spent together as a family; there’s nothing lazy or laid-back about parenting a deeply feeling kid (as one of my favorite child therapists, Dr. Becky at Good Inside, describes them). But that doesn’t mean that you cannot have success and even experience joy in the process of parenting. 

If you’re looking for some fresh perspectives on parenting, I recommend checking out 1 (or all) of these 5 parenting books. Though not specific to parenting a neurodiverse child, each book has parenting nuggets that can help you structure your days together to have more wins than woe’s. 

“Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be” 

by Dr. Becky Kennedy 

Dr. Becky is a modern day Einstein when it comes to understanding children’s needs and meeting them where they are at. She provides practical advice throughout her book that can help any parent overcome some of the daily frustrations they encounter. To summarize, she emphasizes connection first, followed by holding the boundary, and when necessary adding in some humor. If you don’t have time to read her book, you can also follow her on instagram where she regularly posts how a conversation with her own children plays out using these above steps. (@drbeckyatgoodinside) 

My main take-away from this book was that it’s okay if my child is having a hard time; I can still hold my boundary. I can empathize with them and say, “This is hard for you” but I don’t need to pacify them or distract them. 

Dr. Becky also included a chapter towards the end of the book on parenting “Deeply Feeling Kids” as she describes them. I felt so seen and understood reading through that chapter. If you have limited time, skip to the back of the book and read this chapter. 

“The Anxious Generation” by Jonathan Haidt 

This book is a call to action by the social researcher & psychologist Jonathan Haidt. He calls attention to the phrase “The Great Rewiring of Childhood” which is happening largely through the use of smart phones. Haidt gives parents, educators, and families a wake-up call to the dangers of social media during time sensitive ages (12 -13 for girls and 14-15 for boys). 

Haidt provides some practical steps that families and schools can take to reinstate a  play based childhood. One way to resist the pull of smartphones is to band together with other families who have joined the “Wait Until 8th” campaign, a campaign that encourages families to sign an online pledge saying they will wait until their child is in 8th grade to give them a cell phone.  

Another way for parents to foster resilience in their kids is to entrust them with more responsibilities and include more unsupervised play (a crucial skill that Haidt argues is missing for kids in today’s hyper-supervised world). 

Haidt ends his book with 4 main calls to reform / action: 

1. “No smartphones before high school” 
2. “No social media before 16”
3. “Phone-free schools” 
4. “Far more unsupervised play & childhood independence”

As a parent who struggles with social media & phone addiction, I felt deeply convicted reading through this book and learning how my own mental health has likely suffered from an overreliance on my phone. This book is a wake-up call, and it is one of the most important books I have ever read. 

As an aside, technology has always had a strong draw on our neurodiverse child. He is deeply affected both during and after extended periods of screen time. Having recognized this, we know that it’s important to refrain from bringing gaming systems into our home. We also set clear limits on TV time. I know that many neurodiverse children are drawn to screens, and it often feels like the easier route for parents. However, while screens may make things easier in the moment, they often cause double the chaos and explosions once the screen is removed.  

“The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind” by Daniel Siegel & Tina Payne 

This book has forever changed how I approach conflict with my children. Dr. Siegel is a psychologist who has spent time studying how the brain develops in children. He provides 12 insights for parents that can help them understand how their child’s brain is and use best practices to build their child’s emotional and cognitive resilience. 

Here are the 12 strategies: 

1. Connect and redirect 
2. Name it to Tame It 
3. Engage, Don’t Enrage
4. Use it or Lose it  
5. Move it or Lose it 
6. Use the Remote of the mind 
7. Remember to Remember 
8. Let the Clouds of Emotion Roll By 
9. SIFT 
10. Exercise Mindsight
11. Increase the family fun factor 
12. Connect through conflict 

My favorite parts of the book are the little cartoon drawings showing the old school way to correct children: (stern voice & demanding expectation) and an alternative way (connection, humor, & distraction). I’ve used many of the latter techniques as my kids have gone through the varying toddler stages. 

I also really appreciate the visuals of helping kids get unstuck in their thinking with the bicycle wheel analogy. I’ve used this in my own life when my thoughts get “stuck” if you will on a particular topic that I can’t seem to overcome. I’ve also used this same method in instructing middle school students on how they can move on from obsessive thoughts. 

“Mothering by the book: the Power of Reading Aloud to Overcome Fear and Recapture Joy” by Jennifer Pepito

This book gave me an appreciation for the power of stories and reading together as a family. Jennifer Pepito shares different struggles that she encountered as a mother and how the fiction (and non-fiction) books that she read to her children had timeless lessons they could apply and see play out in their daily lives. 

Pepito’s writing style was easy to read and motivated me to embrace reading as part of our family culture. While we have yet to master reading a longer work of fiction together, we read picture books daily and listen to story podcasts anytime we’re in the car. These shared stories add a sense of belonging and provide a springboard for talking about different issues that come up for our kids. 

“Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans” by Michaeleen Doucleff

I loved this refreshing perspective on parenting. Doucleff compares our parenting styles in the west with parenting practices around the world. Here’s the deal: we’re mostly getting it wrong. Modern day parenting in the west largely has its basis in convenience rather than best practice. 

Doucleff emphasizes some ways to help combat the social isolation that is modern day parenting through the following: 

1. Build a MAP – which stands for a “multi-age playgroup.” 
2. Give kids a break from their parents. Let them be exposed to other families and alloparents (which she describes as “other” parenting). 

I was really encouraged by this book, and it helped me re-evaluate how much time we spend parenting alone versus parenting in community. We are now much more intentional about spending lots of time in our neighborhood with kids and families of all different ages. 

Have you read any of these 5 books? What books would you add to this list?

Bio: Portia describes herself as a minimalist mom and a recovering perfectionist. She works part-time as a special education teacher and enjoys volunteering at her kids’ school and local church. When she is not out exploring new places with her family, she is reading a good book (often about parenting) or socializing with friends. She is passionate about connecting people and expanding social circles.